Still Alive

I would start this post by quoting GLaDOS from Portal, the Still Alive song but no, I will be more serious. 

Still alive, after all those tormenting moments, the loss of loved ones in the form of probably never having the chance to talk to them again, and this poor, cursed health. It truly is a miracle that I have the strength to utter these words, a wonder that I have the energy and motivation to be slightly productive. Of course I never will be like most other people out there, I will never be a joyful sunshine prince(ss); no, I really do not think so. Forever I will have this wound inside, the scars of the past and the present carved into my heart. However, I am still fighting for some unknown reason, still clutching and carrying on. Not a blessed warrior but a timid bird with crippled wings... This cannot be the end yet. 

I suspect I will fall into the abyss sooner or later, for the darkness is always there. I am not happy at the moment either, but at least I am not wholly empty or suffering. Yes, I still feel unworthy, still useless baggage and a burden; still I am crushed by my flaws and mistakes. Despite all this, the holidays seem to be curing, almost, as being away from the depressive city sceneries have soothed my mind a bit. I used to be alone at home during most summer months but this time, having this lovely chance of spending time with my grandparents and cousins is very relieving. This indeed is a good change, for they are good company. Furthermore, out there beckons me the sea extending towards the horizon. My heart longs for some peace which will never be attained, but one can still get a wee bit closer and closer, am I right?

Our wooden house and its garden, how serene! 

Please forgive me for my horrible English, today my language skills have abandoned me it seems. It is especially difficult when there is this stream of consciousness having been unleashed, a moment of fluttering to express myself to the best of my abilities. 

It really is hard. 

What burdens me the most these days is social media, how the effort goes unnoticed to be precise. Only 8% or so of my followers ever interact with my posts on Instagram and merely 2% read the blog, which is sad. I appear like a big account of a grand number of followers, but with almost no activity and communication. Therefore, I feel like such an outcast, isolated from both the smaller accounts and the much bigger ones. I belong nowhere. Further on, I frankly do not like my gallery, for everything appears amateur and basic or very tacky, in the worst ways possible. Argh especially the colours. *shivers* Social media is a crucial part of my life because I use it as a way of expression, to introduce myself to the world, to make new friends and to market my work. Hence, I want everything to be “perfect”, perfect in the sense that I can reach my maximum capacity when I am producing what you see. Sadly, such is not the case, for I still am suffering. I know this is not my best and consequently, the results are even worse than I have anticipated. I will never be content. 

Another worry of mine nowadays is my appearance. I have become even more self conscious of my looks - says the person who constantly posts selfies. Selfies indeed because I sadly have no other content to offer. For this, I must apologise. The photo above is one of the rare ones I *slightly* like, me without make-up or any kind of filters. Aside from how I do not enjoy my features, I have an excoriation problem going on. The skin picking disorder has become much more perilous these recent months due to my constant anxiety and depression and because of this, I present no chance at all for my acne to heal. Adding one more bullet point to the list of of worries. I have some good news though, I have been free of hurting my skin for about eight hours or so, thanks to the plastic glove I decided to wear on my free hand. It really works in my case, as long as I am wearing it, so I would recommend it to anyone with excoriation disorder! 

Hoping for brighter days to come.

On a more positive note, I now wish to talk about how I “cheer” myself up. As I have mentioned, nothing works like a vigorous health potion but at least there are some cures for the wounds. Firstly, I try to enjoy my environs, the village settlement and the nature intertwined. Secondly, I endeavour to be more productive, the blog customisation and redesign being the first step. I will now try to set up my Patreon to overcome the economic difficulties along with defeating my own obstacles. I do not hope much, but one can still dream. Lastly, I returned to my cooking trials. I prepare food very rarely which is sad. Unfortunately, I rarely have the motivation or energy to even take care of myself, let alone fancy food. Two days ago however, I attempted to make a summer dessert. Nothing complex or glorious but it was still rewarding. I must admit I did not make the whole thing, as I was feeling very tired but most of the work is from my hands. I still want to thank my grandmother from here, even though she has to improve her English a wee bit to read and comprehend these words. Thank you grandmother hihihi! So without further rambling, here is the “pelte” - the milk version rather than the water one.

The top layer has freshly obtained peach juice (you can do it with any fruit that releases its liquids) and the bottom is a pudding-like substance. If you want, I can put a recipe but I guess it is very self explanatory. As I have mentioned, you can do this with water as well rather than using milk in the pudding part, so that you can obtain a more jelly like consistence. If you want a recipe though, please comment below so that I will know. *points downwards*

A capture from the cooking process 

I wish to improve my yet non-existent skills and I still regret not developing myself when I was younger. I feel that I am too old for going back to track but I have to try. Tasks for this summer:

• Improve cooking skills - 1% complete

• Draw draw draw (I still have not started up on this) and take commissions on Patreon

• Upload videos on YouTube

• Set up a Patreon

• Try sewing once again

• Exercises for the chronic back pain and spinal issues

• Prepare for Castlefest 

And most importantly

• Continue living

Thank you very much for your patience if you have read this far. What are some summer goals you set for yourself? Do you have any additional comments? I  curious about your input. *smiles faintly*