Happy birthday to me! 🎂 *magical hand gestures* *dancing on tiptoes*
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| Faeshion |
Hello darlings,
May 1 is not only enchanting through the charm infused eve of Beltaine but also quite important for me because it is my birthday.
It was rather different this year. To be frank, I normally spend each and every birthday in misery because of loneliness and mental health problems. There were no expectations anymore, and only a cold nod to the universe that I am okay with anything and everything.
I can briefly remember a sweet birthday moment with my musical peers some years ago, but other than that, especially those five years or so have been dreary at around this day. Not only would I sink down with each realization that I have gotten a year older, yet, not having achieved anything great; but also I would be devastated that I am all alone and more so alone on my supposedly most special day.
However, this year I was pleasantly surprised.
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| Surprise birthday party, hosted by two of my classmates: Hoda & Gövher |
When I came back to the fine arts faculty, for one final time before I graduate, I was greeted by my friends and some precious birthday set up. It was of course not my real birthday on that specific day, so this added more to the surprise. I, as an autistic individual, sadly sometimes have to stick to certain food and drink components and I can get addicted in that sense. My obsession in this case, is the Starbucks drink Cool Lime. My friends had gotten me the largest size as well as a wee chocolate muffin and it was so adorable, methinks.
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| Gövher, me & Hoda (GRA department’s angels ;D) |
After a few days, my true birthday celebration would be realised and fulfilled. Of course the closures and a three week lockdown had to happen, which could have been extra devastating in regards to the actual day and how I would be so lonely BUT my father came to the rescue and took my brother and I to our summer house so that us siblings could be with our mother in the meanwhile. My father also brought me a birthday cake for which I feel grateful! It shall be revealed in the upcoming images.
I wore my white thrifted dress that I absolutely adore, yes, so much adoration for it that you may have noticed I wore it for so many Instagram posts of mine. Here is my look for the day:
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| Closeup of my simple makeup look and my hair styling which otherwise looks quite wavy and wild |
It was rather strange having such a large attendee group for my event, meaning that we had my aunt, grandparents, mother, brother and of course the pup Üzüm!
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| Üzüm, my aunt’s dog whose name means Grape in Turkish, how adorable is he! |
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| My grandparents looking classy as ever, I cherish them! |
We even had a wee photoshoot *super quick phone photoshoot *phonoshoot by the sea since the summer house overlooks those turquoise waters. I posted some results on Instagram but let me share few more here, exclusive for you my dear blog readers.
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| Nomnom! Do you like strawberries? What is your favourite strawberry recipe / treat? |
Oddly enough, my cake was not strawberry flavoured no. Instead, chocolate and banana taste welcomed us, and let me tell you, it was delicious!
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| Is this not a fairytale dream come true? |
Thank you for reading this far, shall we give a break? Maybe you can sip from your tea or rest a while?
Oh, you are still here? Alright, the next part may be a bit heavy for the heart so here is my little disclaimer.
What happens next?
The day was over, and after so much social interaction, my autistic brain was unable to process it all. It was still better than my upcoming realization that would shatter me more. The realization that I was content but not fulfilled entirely. I felt selfish then. Not everyone I hoped for did celebrate my birthday but that was alright, it was just a day and everyone has birthdays so nothing really special going on here, and no, this is not sarcasm. I did not care too much about the numbers and this started to scare me because I am all about anxiety on social interactions and huge worries, about who likes me, who is neutral and who does not... I instead was not delving deep into my social needs and was instead focused on...nothing. It was existential crisis hitting in again, devouring it all. ‘So what?’ I said to myself, ‘what happens now?’ and this is exactly where it started to hurt.
Because I felt like I had lived everything life had for me. I had experienced everything I could ever be offered. Sure I never had a romantic relationship, a house on my own, a job even. Not even everlasting friendships, though I sure did make some friends along the journey despite losing most. And my trust. I had some social media endeavors despite it being dragged into ruin mostly. I tried to attain some hobbies even though I was not very successful. Nothing ever was perfect but it did work. I have lived and not died yet but I have gotten a year older, had a satisfying birthday and it seemed like a closure. I felt hollow. Lovely. Lost.
How am I doing now?
Still dreary and dreaded but I can function a bit at least and for this I feel blessed. So this was my birthday, full of unexpected moments and not always for the better. Though, I am grateful nevertheless.
I am thinking of uploading a cheery birthday video on my YouTube though, if you are interested? Please do let me know!
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| This wee version of me could have never guessed that life would be a rollercoaster, and oh my, I am scared of rollercoasters, how fitting! |
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| Can you spot the seven differences? |
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| ^~^ |
Thank you for reading up until the end, you have earned an achievement: elf-acquaintance.
Love and sparkles to you,
Seyma / Beloved / Mythcrowned 🍃
Happy belated birthday! Love your dress <3
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